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Caught in the Web of Porn: From Victims To Victors 5/1/1997 May 1997 Family Voice*
Besides loneliness, I feel sick-like I'm going to throw up-and I tell myself I have to be strong for the children. But that's not all I feel. What I feel mostly is anger. I don't understand why you won't let go of the pornography and the hookers. How could you choose them over the children? How could you choose them over me? You were all I ever wanted. How come I wasn't enough for you?
If you have ever loved anyone caught in the tentacles of pornography, you can relate to Laurie Hall's pain. In a recent interview on "Beverly LaHaye Live," she discussed her book, An Affair of the Mind. In it, Laurie revealed the damage inflicted on her family by her husband's long-term addiction to pornography.
My husband Jack, a son of missionaries, had once worked at the White House and had been on the staff of a large Baptist church. Starting out with great potential, this "all-American" guy ended up deeply mired in pornography-and leading a double life.
The signs were a gradual deterioration. He became secretive and angry. As Jack regressed in behavior, he began to withdraw from the children and me. Slowly he lost the ability to think and feel. [I watched] him lose his soul.
While the porn addict suffers in isolation, his family reaps the consequences of his sin. Even if the man is able to keep his habit from escalating into a hard-core obsession, the person he becomes is a far cry from the husband and father or son he could have been. He is unable to form a normal loving attachment with his wife. She must always compete with fantasy women who look perfect and do anything and everything he demands. No matter how hard she tries, how much she loves him-no matter how far she will go to please him-it's never enough. Kathy Gallagher tried hard to please her husband, but found that nothing worked.
About a year after we were married, we moved to Los Angeles where Steve became a deputy sheriff. There was a lot of pressure being a cop. That's when [the trouble] really escalated. One day I stumbled on hard-core-$30 or $40 magazines-and I couldn't believe my eyes. As time went on, layer after layer emerged. X-rated videos . . . porn shops, prostitutes, and massage parlors. It all erupted within that first two years of marriage. It ruined me.
Steve was so far gone that he was insane with the stuff . . . They know what they're doing is wrong, but they're obsessed. [At the same time] it eats away the soul of the wife as well as her husband's. His behavior shook everything I was as a person. I thought, "There's something wrong with me. I created this problem. What can I do to fix it?" So I went into damage control-trying to fix my husband-trying to fix myself. I felt like the only one on the planet with this problem. So I kept my mouth shut.
And I did things to impress him. I went all the way [doing immoral things he asked me to do]. I'm ashamed of myself now. Once you come to the Lord and fall away, then it's possible to do things you never dreamed you'd do. I wanted my husband back so badly. I would do anything . . . It took me years to figure out what an idol he had become to me.
Kathy and other victims have discovered first-hand that addiction to pornography begins subtly. It alters one's mood in much the same way as drugs. Just as drug addicts require more potent drugs to receive a "high," consumers of pornography must have a more intense experience to achieve the same euphoric feelings as before. Playboy can be the gateway drug that leads to the crack cocaine of hard-core porn and bizarre sex.
Some opponents of pornography declare soft-core porn (like Playboy) to be more insidious than the hard-core. Because the magazine features well-known writers on various issues, it appears "legitimate" by association. Its centerfolds are portrayed as the "girl next door"-giving men the impression that all women are available for their pleasure-as mere sex objects.
As this philosophy has permeated our society, the rate of rape has soared. The American Family Association reports that a woman is raped in the U.S. every 46 seconds. Moreover, 86 percent of all rapists admit to using pornography regularly. Violent pornography evokes two particularly dangerous rape myths: Violence is normal in male-female sexual relations-and women enjoy rape. As a result, "not-guilty" verdicts for rapists are frequent, and rape victims are often blamed for the crime.
Pornography has been defined as "all sexually oriented material intended primarily to arouse the reader, viewer or listener." Most people associate television's soft-core with HBO or other "adult" cable channels. But pornographic images are just waiting to invade your home-morning, noon, and prime time. Advertisers use sex to sell everything from cosmetics to cars. And the staples of regular TV seethe with sex-and obscene violence. Midseason prime-time replacements illustrate the depths to which producers will plunge. Promiscuity and sexual profanity abound in the much-hyped "Chicago Sons," and "Temporarily Yours."
This type of pornography is legal, unfortunately, because the soft-core variety of "erotic and semi-nude" is actually more seductive in its methods than hard-core. Obscenity, child porn, broadcast indecency, and pornography deemed harmful to minors are all still illegal. Even so, the Enough Is Enough Campaign reported that America "has over 20,000 outlets selling prosecutable, hard-core pornography, which would be found illegal by educated citizens in most American communities."
Although soft-core porn nibbles away at the foundation of society like a swarm of termites, hard-core attacks like a voracious beast, gleefully feasting on the heart of its victim. Once a person has tasted hard-core pornography, he is no longer satisfied with nibbling on the soft stuff.
Pornography is a killer. It kills intimacy; destroys lives; seduces ambition; breaks up families; separates friends; atrophies decency; and worse-it separates the perpetrator from God (I Cor. 6:9).
Anne can vouch for that. She watched helplessly as pornography destroyed her Christian husband.
I had dated Greg* for three years. But I never knew he had a problem with pornography until we were married. Suddenly it became all too clear. He let me know early on that I didn't measure up sexually. I was never "pretty enough" or "sexy enough." And he became terribly angry if I were too tired for sex. These explosions were rare at first and he would apologize afterward. So of course, I forgave him.
One time-after we had been married only two months-I was lying in bed half-asleep when Greg grabbed me by the ankle and dragged me from the bed. I thought he was going to fling me around the room. Frantically I reached out to catch myself before my head crashed into the floor. Then he stopped and laughed. He was try ing to "teach me a lesson" for "daring to go to sleep before giving him sex."
I confronted Greg about his pornography. He promised never to use it again. I so wanted to believe him. But I watched the progression: First magazines, then movies. When movies were not enough, he needed a real person. That led to phone sex. Soon, even that was no longer enough.
In time, I could tell if he had been viewing pornography simply by how he treated me. The smallest thing-from a dinner he didn't like to a disorderly closet shelf-could set him off. I never knew who would come through the door at night-the wonderful man I married or a monster. And I began to feel like a defective piece of machinery.
I wanted to get help, but I didn't want to disgrace my husband. I didn't have any close friends to whom I could turn. Finally, I found a pastor who counseled me through this difficult time. Then my husband faced a choice-his wife or his addiction. He chose the addiction.
* Not their real names
Anne's experience aptly proves the theory of Dr. Victor Cline. As a clinical psychologist Dr. Cline has treated approximately 300 sex addicts (96% male). He found that with a few exceptions, pornography contributed to their deviations or addictions. Dr. Cline also discovered a four-step progression in pornography involvement:
Porn producers would be the first to say that pornography is not a crime-and it has no victims. They claim that porn actors-performing everything from sadistic sex to bestiality-are having the time of their lives. But women and children who have been forced to engage in these productions tell a different story. The 1986 Attorney General's Commission on Pornographysheds light on this very dark subject.
Judy, a runaway at 13, was befriended by a man who sold her to a pimp. Her pimp seduced women into prostitution by advertising for "models." He offered to be the "agent" of any woman who answered the ads. Next came an offer to pose for soft-core pornography. Then after involving her in an affair, he talked the woman into prostitution "until she could break into legitimate modeling."
If a girl refused, the pimp used "brutal beatings, starvation, captivity, blackmail" and death threats to coerce her. Then he forced her to act in pornographic movies. Judy escaped from her pimp because of her escalating drug problems. She became useless for prostitution, and he kicked her out. She ended up at age 18-after five years in prostitution and pornography-scarred from beatings, "penniless, homeless, and addicted to heroin."
For eight years, Jackie* lived a sexually promiscuous lifestyle as a Playboy Bunny, frequently visiting Hugh Hefner's mansion. During that time she became suicidal. Jackie confessed that the Playboy magazines she saw in her home as a child gave her a "distorted image of sexuality."
"It enticed me to throw aside my Judeo-Christian ethic . . . and to practice recreational sex with no commitments," Jackie said. Many "bunnies" used abortion as birth control. And one was forced to have "her reproductive organs removed because of venereal disease." Jackie sees the rise in rape, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, abortion, and sexually transmitted diseases as a result of the Playboy philosophy.
"It took me close to 20 years," she said, "to undo what was done to me in pornography."
I.S. Levine-who has directed more than 150 porn movies-said, "The public's idea about this industry is probably not far removed from the kind of industry it is." He described it as, "Exploitive, with marginal personalities, who can't integrate into society-self-destructive people living self-destructive lives." Mr. Levine has a good point. But CWA believes that many of the people involved-especially women and children-did not choose to participate.
During the early 70s, after the filming of the movie Deep Throat, "Linda Lovelace" became a porn "star" overnight. Since that time, Linda Lovelace Marchiano has written her autobiography. In Ordeal she reveals that her (then-) husband Charles Trainor forced her to act in the movie. "There were guns, knives, beatings, threats on the lives of my family constantly. And after the physical abuse, the mental abuse becomes just as damaging," Marchiano said. "I think it's important that people realize that. People who produce these films will say, 'Well, we check it out and make sure that these women are doing it willingly.'" But Marchiano noted: "Virtually every time someone watches that film, they are watching me being raped."
These horrendous things don't just happen to "professionals." Some women who appeared before the Attorney General's Commission on Pornography, confessed that they had become porn "stars" without their consent or knowledge. Several said their husbands took sexually explicit photos or videos of them-then sold them to porn distributors.
Others told how their husbands captured their sexual abuse or torture on video. These recorded illicit and illegal activities are still being passed around by pornographers. It should be evident to everyone that coercion-used to humiliate, silence, and blackmail women and children-is the backbone of the pornography industry.
There is no more dangerous mix than children and pornography. The results are always explosive-and can easily lead to life-long addiction. Children may become involved in pornography at home either through ignorant or permissive parents.
Some people believe that children are too young to understand pornography. Therefore, they have no qualms about leaving magazines lying around, taking a three-year-old to an R-movie, or viewing "sexy" videos at home. But powerful images are burned into children's brains. And since young children can't discern fact from fantasy, what they see is "normal."
Children often discover pornography on their own if a parent or older sibling is a user. The average age of discovery is 11. Children introduced to pornography at this early age are forced into an adult world that they're not ready for. And since their latency period is skipped, many of these adults never mature emotionally. Children may spend years feeling guilt and shame. Only intervention can prevent them from growing up with a warped view of sex-and the inability to make mature judgments.
About 70 percent of all pornographic magazines and videos end up in the hands of children. That is especially frightening in light of Richard Restak's research. In his book, The Brain,Restak reported that in 3/10 of a second a visual image passes from the eye through the brain, and whether or not one wants to, the brain is structurally changed and memories are created-we literally "grow a new brain" with each visual experience. Researcher and author Dr. Judith Reisman agrees, "We have no choice-we are designed to believe what we see . . . fantasy is reality to the human brain."
Showing pornography to a child is a favorite ploy of pedophiles. They use it to break down the child's natural inhibitions. Pedophiles often pose as friends, gaining the confidence of children.
Once they have these youngsters in their grasp, they can force them to do anything-often filming the process for posterity. Many of them use pornography to prime themselves for the victimization and then use it in the actual molestation. Afterwards, pedophiles use the photos or videos to prevent the child from telling. Child porn does not exist without innocent victims-who suffer scarred bodies, as well as permanently damaged minds and emotions. Every pornographic photo or video is a record of child molestation.
Yet today these perverts are being accepted into America's mainstream, particularly through the media. Recent articles in Vanity Fairand the New Republicmagazines seem to encourage sympathy for pedophiles-rather than exposing them as predators of our children. And a recent book is being praised because of its "chic" subject-father-daughter incest.
The most well-known group of pedophiles-the National Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) believes that every child has a "right" to sex. How have we allowed these vermin to victimize our children? Why have we listened when they say that children not only "like sex," but it is their "right"?
One notorious predator recently had a movie made of his life. Hustler publisher Larry Flynt has built an empire around perverted sex. Touted as a hero of the First Amendment, Flynt was not a hero at home. In an interview on "Beverly LaHaye Live," his daughter, Tonya Flynt-Vega, revealed that her father had beaten, emotionally traumatized, and sexually molested her as a child.
If you still think pornography is a victimless crime, read on . . . According to the Enough Is Enough Campaign: 87% of convicted molesters of girls and 77% of convicted molesters of boys admit to the use of pornography-most often in the commission of their crimes.
The testimonies and statistics you have read are from real victims. Yet many Americans suffer from a victim mentality and a "pass-the-buck" syndrome. No one suffers more from this malady than the sex addict. Because of his pain-from shame and guilt-he must shift the responsibility or die from the burden of it.
It is true that many sex addicts have been the object of abuse themselves. But we cannot excuse their actions because of it. Adverse circumstances often affect our choices. But in the end, we still have a choice. If we are to heal and recover from victimization, we must take responsibility for the decisions we make today. The cycle must be broken. Victims must not become victimizers.
As a former sex addict, Steve Gallagher understands the turmoil and tragedy involved in sexual addiction. Although you have read his wife Kathy's account, Steve shares his testimony here:
My wife didn't know about my addiction for quite a while. She saw me as a typical male sowing his wild oats. But a year later, it was becoming more obvious. By that time I was going out on her, and she knew it. Kathy couldn't take anymore. That's when she left me.
I woke up weeks later in the apartment of a girlfriend. I felt like the prodigal son who woke up in the pigpen (Luke 15). The blinders that had been on my eyes suddenly fell away. [At the same time, God was speaking to Kathy-encouraging her to return to Steve.]
The Lord restored my marriage, but I continued to struggle with temptation for two years. During that time I learned that overcoming sexual sin was a process of maturing as a Christian. As I strengthened my "spiritual man" by seeking God in prayer and filling my heart with His Word, I gradually overcame sexual sin in my life.
Then I went to Bible school where God gave me a burden to help others struggling with this problem. That was the beginning of Pure Life Ministries (PLM). In 1990, Kathy and I relocated to Kentucky where we started the first live-in program in the U.S. for sex addicts.
"Sex addicts come from all different backgrounds," says PLM's Gallagher. "But the people I deal with would be your average man in the church-a regular working family man who holds down a job and outwardly has his life together . . . They all have some things in common. I don't think I have ever met a sex addict who didn't fall into one of two categories: His father was a sex addict or something happened to him in childhood-such as being molested or being exposed to pornography."
Neal Clement, director of American Family Association's OutReach center, says. "The public has a view that a sex addict is someone walking around in a raincoat molesting children. But sexual addiction does not fit that stereotype. We have treated professional athletes, pastors, doctors, lawyers, men in the military, janitors, educators, and music ministers-you-name-it."
One minister who succumbed was Mark*. At present, he is getting his life back together at PLM. Mark related:
During my childhood, my older sister sexually abused me. But I was saved at Bible camp when I was 16. After college I became a youth minister. Then four or five years later, I started going to massage parlors and prostitutes. It was easy to cover up in the big city where I lived.
I spent thousands of dollars-making up incredible stories for my wife. My thinking was so mixed-up. I planned how and when I could do [sexual activity]. Even when I was teaching and preaching, sex was constantly on my mind. At a teen retreat, the theme, "Removing Our Mask," just broke me. I confessed to the older minister . . . I knew I needed help.
Glen needed help too. He told Family Voice:I had been molested at age seven by my older brother's friend. [Over the years, I had become addicted to drugs and alcohol and had been treated in several centers.] But my sexual addiction began with phone sex. If you had told me then that phone sex could lead to this, I would have laughed. At one point, my phone bill took my entire paycheck. So I got advances on the next one. I tried to stop by cutting the long distance lines and putting a block on 900 numbers. But there were still public telephones.
My life was out of control. I had attempted suicide. I wanted to hit the reset button to numb the pain. In September, I was high-out of my mind. I literally ran into the arms of the police. When they arrested me, I prayed, and the only name I called on was Jesus. (Glen is a current resident of PLM.)
Steve Gallagher knows only one way out . . . There is no hope for a sex addict who will not confront his sin and take responsibility for it. The only way out of sex addiction is Jesus Christ. Since it is a spiritual problem, the only answers are spiritual. I've seen men insane with their obsession with sex become on-fire for God. Only that fire will burn out the lust. I can speak from experience. God has completely changed my heart and mind (Romans 12:2). I don't think the same way that I did. It's not a 12-step mentality. I'm not going to go the rest of my life claiming to be a sex addict-just one step away from disaster. The answer for men is a complete surrender to the Lord and a deep concentration on Him."
The wife of a sex addict may be coping with her situation by:
Until she realizes that there is a problem, a woman may continue:
It's important for a woman involved with a sex addict to know that his addiction is not her fault. She should not allow herself to be browbeaten into doing things that are wrong or that offend her. The Bible's teaching on submission does not tell women to submit to sin. And she should never stay in a marriage in which her husband sexually or physically abuses her children.
Many women who have been victimized by their husbands now give testimonies of God's faithfulness in restoration. Laurie Hall still lives with her husband who is receiving help for his sexual addiction. Kathy Gallagher watched the transformation of her husband into a man of God. She says, "I am not a victim; I am a victor!" Sadly, not everyone has "lived happily ever after." Sometimes it is impossible to keep the marriage intact. Often men are not willing to get help. And in order to preserve and protect her children-or her own life-a woman is forced to leave. For example, Anne's marriage ended in divorce. But she received good counsel through her church, and today she is a new person walking in victory.
The rugged individualism so admired in America has gone awry. Husbands shuck family responsibilities to seek fulfillment. Abandoned wives turn to other men to validate their self-worth. Live-in boyfriends introduce children to pornography-or worse, to sex. Without love, nurture, and discipline, children grow up like tough weeds. The result is a deep crack in our cultural foundation.
Our educational system has compounded the foundational fissure. By undermining parental authority, schools have further separated children from families. And sex education classes-beginning in kindergarten-bombard them with information they are not ready for. These emphasize vice over virtue-and condoms over character. AIDS education classes leave nothing to children's imagination-often indoctrinating them into a deviant lifestyle. Why not pornography? Why not perversion? It's their choice!
Unfortunately, few churches address this problem. Seldom are the subjects of sexual purity or pornography mentioned from the pulpit. Some mainline churches even ordain homosexuals as pastors-while others turn a blind eye to adulterers. What does that say to our children? Since we have stopped believing in the degradation of sin or the reality of heaven and hell, there is nothing to stop us from the "pleasures" and perversity of porn and sexual immorality.
We can put band-aids on these sores of sexual sins, but the wounds of the victim and the victimizer can only be healed one way-from the inside out by Jesus Christ.
Excerpts from Enough Is Enough "Are You Dating A Porn Addict?"
Outreach,a division of the American Family Association, offers four-and-a-half day men's workshops-intensive therapy and group work for 16 men a month. Workshops for wives and couples are also available. The OutReach helpline is 601-844-5128.
Pure Life Ministries.Men struggling with sex addiction or homosexuality go through a six-month program; receive intensive counseling; attend church services; attend Bible studies; do chores on the ranch; and work in a nearby town. Wives are counseled by phone and through a correspondence course. Contact the ranch at 606-824-4444.
One young girl was physically and sexually tortured by her stepfather because she was not "convincing" in a porn movie.
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