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Tom and Huck on Civil Unions 11/15/2004 Commentary, with apologies to Mark Twain.
Tom Sawyer and me, we was talking about this “gay marriage” flapdoodle, and how it's got everybody all riled up. I says, "Well, it sure looks to me like there ain't going to be no more ‘gay marriage,’ 'cept in Massachusetts. Folks just don't want it nowhere. Eleven more states just voted it down."
But Tom, he says, "Huck Finn, you ain’t never had more sense than a catfish. 'Course folks don't want ‘gay marriage.’ But if you was to call it something else, why, then, people wouldn't care at all."
"But what else could you call it?" says I. "Mrs. Watson she turned on the TV one day and she seen all those men smoochin' each other out front of the City Hall in San Francisco, and she just about had an apoplexy. I don't think she'd of cared what they called it."
Tom give me one of his sly looks, and he says, "Huck, I'm hungry. Let's go over to Farmer Jones' place and steal us a watermelon."
I allowed that as I was hungry, too, and I said let's do it. But then he wouldn't.
"I'm surprised at you!" he says. "Don't you know it's wrong to steal a watermelon--or anything else, for that matter? Didn't Mrs. Watson ever teach you that stealing is a sin?"
Well, that sure made me feel all small and lowdown, all of a sudden.
"You're right," I says. "It would be wrong to steal a watermelon. 'Thou shall not steal.' It says that in the Bible. Mrs. Watson, she read it to me. Only it was you who said—"
"Never mind that. I take it back," Tom says. "But what if we were to go over there and just borrow a watermelon? There's nothing wrong with borrowing a watermelon, is there?"
"Why, no! That's just the ticket, Tom. Let's go borrow one."
"But it's the same thing—don't you see? Either way, we take the man's watermelon and eat it."
"Sure, but there ain't nothing wrong with just borrowing it."
"Only thing that's changed, Huck, is what we call it," says Tom. And he gets a gleam in his eye. "As long as we let on that we're borrowing, not stealing, you don't mind. Well, the same goes for ‘gay marriage.’
"As long as we let on that it ain't no marriage at all, but only 'civil unions,' the country won't pay any attention to it. If we can borrow a watermelon without stealing it, then ‘gay’ activists can borrow marriage without exactly stealing it. Nothing could be more simple."
Well, I let on that it was. Tom, he's smarter than me, and I allow he's more apt to be right than I am. But I still think Mrs. Watson, she's going to pitch a fit when she sees this on television.
Lee Duigon is a Christian free-lance writer who writes periodically for CWA’s Culture & Family Institute and whose work can be seen regularly at www.chalcedon.edu.
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