Divorce: The Pain That Doesn't Go Away
By Janice Shaw Crouse and Heide Trask Wood
July/August 2001 Family Voice

They’re called “broken homes” for good reason. Nearly everything breaks—possibly irreparably—in families rent by divorce: emotions, security, relationships, and possibly even a child’s potential.

Divorce means losing the security of an intact family. It shatters the supportive network of family and friends. For the noncustodial parent—usually the father—it means much less time with his children.

Debbie was only 10 when her parents divorced in the early 1960s. It is an event that divides her life and memories into “before” and “after.” She remembers her father asking her and her four siblings, aged 8 to 17, if anyone wanted to live with him. The children opted to stay with their mother. They could continue living in the same house, attending the same schools, and playing with the same friends. In a world turned upside down, at least those would remain the same.

According to the prevailing philosophy, life should have improved. The constant arguing and conflict ended, and their dad stayed involved. He visited on weekends, holidays and vacations. He helped out financially as best he could, and their mother worked as a legal secretary. Still, life drastically changed.

Debbie’s oldest brother, a straight-A student, gave up his dream of becoming a doctor and joined the army. Her older sister coped by withdrawing, running away and searching for love in the wrong places. Her younger brother, Billy, grew up with a chip on his shoulder, feeling insecure and abandoned. Eager to reclaim the family he had lost, he married a woman with two children. He was devastated when his wife left. Overcome with guilt and a sense of failure, he cut himself off from his extended family.

Today, nearly 30 years later, only Debbie and one brother remain married to their first spouses. Her sister has been married multiple times. Babies have been born out of wedlock. And the siblings haven’t been together since their mother’s funeral eight years ago. Their father had died years before.

“I don’t think we’d ever talk to each other if I didn’t take the initiative,” Debbie says. “I guess getting together stirs up memories we don’t want.”

As Debbie’s story illustrates, divorce has life-long repercussions for children. While adults may adjust and move on, a child’s life remains forever colored by divorce.

In her recent book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25-year Landmark Study, Judith Wallerstein documents the long-term effects of divorce. Beginning in 1971, she periodically conducted in-depth interviews with 131 children and their parents from the time of divorce.

“We’ve seriously underestimated the long-term impact of divorce on children,” she told Family Voice, “[and] … the numerous ways a child’s experiences differ when growing up in a divorced family.”

Once considered a last resort, by the late 1900s divorce had become viewed as a liberating, even creative experience, a means of “finding oneself.” Parents had generally stayed together for the children’s sake. Then came the idea that children benefited more from their parents’ happiness than from family structure. Even if children suffered at the time of their parents’ break-up, so went the thinking, it would only be temporary. They would adjust and bounce back.

Our culture would like to hold on to this rosy picture, but it is out of touch with research—and with millions of Americans who have experienced the tragedy of divorce. By almost every measure, children of divorce fare worse than their peers in intact families:

• Poverty. By conservative estimates, women’s standard of living after divorce drops 27 percent. Divorced, single-parent families are four times more likely to be poor than intact ones. The loss of a husband’s income can pose tremendous hardships. Betty learned this the hard way when her marriage ended, leaving her to care alone for two toddlers.

  “The kids and I had nothing but the clothes on our backs. I had to move in with my parents and, most of the time, Danny wouldn’t even pay child support,” she says. “All the responsibility was on me.”

  Men, on the other hand, experience an increase in their standard of living. Some years ago this was widely exaggerated as 42 percent. However, more realistic figures now place it at 10 percent. Despite the stereotype of the carefree bachelor, divorced fathers take on the financial burden of maintaining two households, and this increases further with remarriage.

• Out-of-wedlock pregnancies. Divorce predisposes teens to earlier sexual activity and out-of-wedlock pregnancies.

• Education. Children of divorce attain less educationally.

• Marriage. They are more likely to view divorce and cohabitation favorably, marriage less favorably, and to become divorced themselves—especially if their spouse’s parents are also divorced.

• Behavior. As if these concerns are not enough, children of divorce are likely to have behavioral problems. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Michael Katz, they are prone to lying, low achievement, denying responsibility for their own behavior, and difficulty in concentrating.

• Emotions. Significant emotional consequences also occur. “Karen,” who is profiled in Wallerstein’s book, described living with a sense of doom, especially when she felt happy. “If happiness increases one’s odds of experiencing loss, think how dangerous it must be to simply feel happy,” Wallerstein writes.

Further, she found that “the major impact of divorce … arises in adulthood as serious romantic relationships move center stage.” Lacking a good role model for marriage, children of divorce experience anxiety, which “leads many into making bad choices in relationships, giving up hastily when problems arise, or avoiding relationships altogether.”

No longer can we assume these problems are limited to other people’s children. In Growing Up with a Single Parent, Sara McLanahan and Gary Sandefer of the University of Wisconsin report they can occur regardless of race, sex, parents’ education level, or place of residence.

In addition, Gallagher and Waite assert that, because of their wives’ influence, married men are more likely to visit the doctor and follow his orders. They tend to eat healthier and more regular meals. And not only men benefit from this “nagging” effect. One study showed that, after three years, women whose husbands encouraged them to improve their health smoked less, slept more, and were more physically active. John E. Murray of the University of Toledo writes that married people live longer and healthier lives than do singles.

Research and personal experience attest that marriage is better for children and their parents. That is no surprise, for Scripture also speaks to the value of marriage. In Mark 10, Christ acknowledges that God permitted divorce in the Mosaic law “because of the hardness of your heart.” But then he affirms the permanence of marriage: “What God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9). The apostle Paul also condemned divorce (1 Corinthians 7:10-11).

In many cases, one spouse is the unwilling victim of the other’s decision to end the marriage, a situation encouraged by “no-fault” divorce laws. And the New Testament does contain Biblical grounds for divorce. But, in reality, divorce usually takes place for much less serious reasons.

While welfare reform became federal law in 1996, state initiatives began in the early ’90s. “Conservatives were talking about the importance of marriage long before that,” said Michael Schwartz, Concerned Women for America’s Vice President for Government Relations.

Meanwhile, a growing private-sector movement is replacing the “culture of divorce” with a “culture of marriage.” More than 100 leaders of organizations promoting marriage, such as James Q. Wilson, David Popenoe, Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, Richard John Neuhaus, Mary Stewart Van Leeuwen, Maggie Gallagher and Mary Ann Glendon, signed a document, “The Marriage Movement: A Statement of Principles.” It pledged that “in this decade we will turn the tide on marriage and reduce divorce and unmarried childbearing, so that each year more children will grow up protected by their own two happily married parents and more adults’ marriage dreams will come true.”

Evangelical leaders are also taking steps. They have released “A Christian Declaration of Marriage,” endorsed by the National Association of Evangelicals, the National Conference of Catholic Bishops, the Southern Baptist Convention, the Institute on Religion and Democracy (IRD), and the Association for Church Renewal. The Declaration encourages churches to develop programs “to reduce the divorce rate and increase the marriage rate,” says Diane Knippers, president of IRD. “Signers agree to uphold God’s first institution–marriage–which is a holy union of one man and one woman. They agree to help build a national climate where, with God’s help, couples will commit to a loving, life-giving, faithful relationship that will last for a lifetime.”

Since the 1970s, more than 1 million couples have attended conferences, events and seminars sponsored by FamilyLife (a division of Campus Crusade for Christ). They have learned practical tools for strengthening their marriages and reaffirmed their commitment to each other. The organization also provides materials and training for small-group Bible studies that do the same. Marriage Encounter is another effective and popular Christian program.

Another church-based effort, Marriage Savers, was founded in 1996 as a ministry to equip local communities to help couples prepare for lifelong marriage, to strengthen existing marriages and restore troubled ones. It has had dramatic results–as much as a 30-percent reduction in divorce in some cities. Promoted by newspaper columnist Mike McManus, it involves an agreement among clergy, judges and others who officiate at marriages to require premarital counseling.

“Church-based efforts to strengthen marriage and prevent divorce have been growing apace over the last 30 years ...” Patrick Fagan, an expert on the importance of marriage and Senior Fellow at the Heritage Foundation, told Family Voice. “This will all work eventually to increased quality of marriage preparation.”

It did for “Ben” and “Peter,” whose parents divorced when they were ages 7 and 11. They became Christians as teens. Though both married, Ben’s decision not to have children—to prevent them from possibly experiencing what he did—reveals the impact of divorce. However, Peter is the successful father of two.

“Since I was lacking a role model,” he explains, “I decided to make God my role model and to believe that things could be different for my own family.”

The culture of divorce teaches us a profound truth: the importance of commitment. It is something children of divorce, like Debbie, acutely recognize. It was harder to find help for troubled marriages when her parents divorced. Her mother sought guidance from her pastor, who advised she had Biblical grounds for divorce. But Debbie doesn’t remember attempts to save the marriage.

In contrast, when Debbie’s now 20-year marriage hit troubled times, she refused to give up. “I was determined to stay together because I had seen the devastation of my family,” she says. “I was determined to keep our home together for my kids.”

Debbie and her husband searched for an effective professional who taught them ways to communicate and to deal with anger, hurt and resentment—instead of taking negative emotions out on each other. Their marriage is now better than ever.

The message is clear: The broken threads of marriage can be rewoven when churches and communities work together. Commitment must be reborn. We must do it for our children.

Dr. Janice Crouse is Senior Fellow of the Beverly LaHaye Institute (BLI): A Center for Women’s Studies. Heide Trask Wood is Research Fellow.

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